Posted by: Viola | March 7, 2016

The right place to find love

Last night, my father brought up the subject of marriage. I know he did that because he worries about me. But I must find some way to let him know that he need not worry about me. I am happy. Genuinely. And while I might occasionally feel lonely, I actually love being alone. I am an introvert and my alone-time is my magical time. ❤

If I ever marry, it will no doubt be to someone who understands this about me and doesn’t try to change it. I cannot imagine a life in which I am stuck with a partner who thinks I need to be more of an extrovert and less of an introvert. What misery!

This introversion is something I have come to respect. It is a part of who I am. I don’t fight it or judge it or condemn the way I once did. I don’t feel it is a curse, but I feel it is a light and a joy within me. I feel it is a space where my love lives and works to create art and positive or loving ideas and perspectives.

Above all, this inner desire for solitude–this interior-ness of who I am–is my core, is my power. It is my inner guide, the thing that teaches me how to resist the pressures to conform, the pressures to be more like others and less authentically me. These pressures can be immense for a “single” person, anyone who has not married or chooses not to marry.

In Cameroonian societies–in every society on this planet, am sure–there is intense pressure to marry. I know that single people the world over struggle to keep their sanity in the face of all this pressure.

For Cameroonians, the pressure doesn’t stop when you marry. It only gets heightened. The pressure gets intensified because people expect you to start having babies, pretty much right away. Actually, the pressure to have babies starts long before you marry.

Because I really DISLIKE this kind of endless pressure, I laugh it off, shrug it off, treat it as an annoying mosquito and slap it away. What’s the alternative? Give into the pressure and start living a lie, fulfilling other people’s expectations? Now that would be a TRUE nightmare.

Perhaps it all boils down to taking time to think about places where true love can be found. And finding people who understand that this love is not some external, rule-driven thing. Sometimes, this knowledge of where to look for love is not obvious. It takes a process of elimination to set aside all the wrong places that are easy spots to go to.

There are many wrong places in which to find love. You could try to find love in the wrong person, a person who mistreats you. That will be tough, finding love there. You could try to find love in your community, but your community may have rules you cannot live by and may exclude you when you break those rules. You could try finding love in people, period. And this works but only if we all agree on what love is and what it should look like. And suffice it to say, people rarely agree…on anything, much less love.

While love is something we often conceive of as taking place between individuals, this conception might be something we have to set aside. What if we could conceive of love as something internal, something individually-driven, something we create or craft within ourselves and enjoy in our hearts. Something we design with ourselves in mind, first and foremost. Not what other people want, or desire, or tell us to do. But what we want, what we desire, what we tell ourselves to do.

As long as what we desire causes no harm to others, what’s the danger in finding love within the self? And how could cultivating a sense of self-love ever be a cause of harm to anyone? And don’t believe the ones who would tell you that they feel harmed when you don’t fulfill their wants or expectations. That is a lie. A trick. A trap. Don’t fall into it.

Love starts in us. Comes from within us. And if we don’t have it in us, then how can it go out from us and show itself to others? So, for me, the right place to find love us is within.

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Responses

  1. Beautiful statement of self love. Thank you.

  2. […] Source: The right place to find love […]

  3. Your paragraphs 1-5 are spot on. I am also introverted and when back home having time to “myself” to “recharge” doesn’t happen. It’s not easily understood why I would want to be alone at times.

  4. A wonderful statement, Great !

  5. Very Good For You


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